It's all about the little steps...

“There's that horrible-beautiful moment, that bitter-sweet impasse where you know that somebody is bullshitting you but they're doing it with such panache and conviction...no, it's because they say exactly what you want to hear, at that point in time.”

― Irvine Welsh.

But what if the person lying to you is yourself and what if what you’re “hearing” is not what you want to hear but what you’ve conditioned yourself to expect?

I started this year with such great expectations, a revelatory point where I was going to set my world to rights... here we are five months on and where am I? Pretty much back where I started.

I handled the first few weeks, hell the first month with aplomb, I lost a large a nice amount of weight and was feeling better about life in general, the out of nowhere the apathy set in and I did “what I always do” and backslid.

And this is the bind; I have a pre-conception of what I am and am not capable of. If I do well it is a “fluke” if I do badly it’s only to be expected.

When discussing my successes at the time I had someone whose known me for some time state, “it’s not sustainable, I know what you’re like.” They were right... but were they right because I am predestined to fail at self betterment or because I am inclined to believe my own bad press?

I am struggling not to hate myself yet at the same time struggling to find things about me that are particularly worth of loathing...

How do you fight that? How do you convince yourself that your worth the effort? This isn’t a cry for help or a plea for assurance; it’s simply a question that I am struggling to answer.

Why am I writing this now? This week is mental health awareness week http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/our-work/mentalhealthawarenessweek

And whilst in the (probably not) immortal words of MCR “I’m not okay (I promise)” I know there are a lot of people out there who are suffering far worse than I am. I have a roof over my head, a job and friends who I know I can rely on if I really need them.

Yet I cannot stress enough the help that I got from the NHS when I needed it, rather than the pills or the patronisation that I was expecting, I was given a chance to discuss and gain a greater understand the issues that I am struggling with.

I know what I can do to improve my life; I have proof that if I honestly put my block head into it I can achieve these things. Yes I am stumbling at applying this to my life but no one promised it would be easy.

I need to stop setting myself ultimatums (oh the irony of that last statement!), take each day as it comes and learn to acknowledge what slow progress I make as what it is, progress.

If you only read one personally aimed diatribe from a whingeing southern git this year, then please make it this one.

First of all let me start by saying what this is not:

·         This is not (despite the tag line) a self-flagellating personal attack

·         This is not a series of excuses

·         This is not an apology… but will in all likelihood contain points where I apologise...sorry about that.

Exactly what this is I’m not entirely sure, at I write this my thought process sees this as somewhere bordering between a mission statement and a collective thank you.

It's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy,

'Cause every now and then I kick the living shit out of me- Lit

Or to look at it from another perspective

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.” ― William Gibson

For as long as I can remember I have been able to look back at key moments in my life and see the bad in them, ranging from being bullied at school (that sounds so much nicer than being hit or  psychologically tortured my some of peers) to my failed marriage.

The thing that I struggle to do is see the positives that mark my life as well.

About a month ago I went out with work colleagues, people with whom I didn’t feel like I fit in with...  Now the last line is a hell of assumption... Why did I not fit in with them? Are they all ridiculously different in mind, appearance and attitude that there is no possible middle ground? No I saw myself as an outcast as in my own mental theatre there’s no other possible role for me to play... The night was good, fun was had and the only injuries were self inflicted and to my wallet.

So is it just incidences like this ^ that cause me issues? Nope... can’t even relax at lrp these days... On recent reflection there is only one in the many systems that I intend and the multiple characters I play that is not at least as messed as up as the real me... A hobby based on escapism and I spend my weekends battling pretend personal demons where I can’t face my own?

I very infrequently drink at these things anymore, for fear of making a fool of myself, a marked improvement from my red wine days (if you don’t know then I’m not explaining!) but something I am conscious of.

I’m supposed to be assisting in the writing of more than one system and I am consistently conscious of the feeling that I am not pulling my weight and letting those I consider good friends down

But it’s not the above that has led me to put pen to paper. Many of you who know me also know that I have in recent months joined a gym… the principle reason is to lose weight, the secondary benefit was to raise money for charity.

The first few weeks went past reasonably uneventfully and all was good. Then real life stood and punched me metaphorically in the face... No K.O punch but enough little jabs that my routine took a pounding and for a week I didn’t attend... I went back for a week and then I’ve managed to get a case of man flu followed by a knee injury and all of a sudden I’ve missed a whole month. So yet again the dreaded sense of personal disappointment has sunk in and like many things this is proof that I’m once more a failure, this again is more than enough for me to write myself off...well this time only almost.

Yes I’ve ballsed up, yes I’ve got that crushing sense of letting myself and others down...Is this because I’m a loser (baby, so why don’t you kill me)?

No... It’s because I’m fucking human.

In a recent review of my Cognitive Behavioural Therapy I went back after three months and discussed my progress... I listed all the above instances and all the things that had made me feel bad... and then much to my counsellors delight said, “but I guess everyone feels like that.”

I have made the mistake of thinking that I am unique. Yes I’ve gone through some serious stuff in my life (some of it I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemies), but what I’m starting to come to terms with the fact that I sell myself short when I look at how I’ve coped will all of this. I have known people go off the deep end for less. Have I managed this in the best possible way? God no, but could I have done worse? Hell yes… Now I know there are people who’ve gone through worse, should I be measuring my recovery after trauma with them…nah bugger it, time to think about me!

So…after all that self-pity is there a point to all of this?

Where I am now compared to where I was a couple of years ago... (Hell compared to six months ago), that is something I have to be proud of. I am not that man anymore that that’s something I need to rememind myself of.

So the plan… The reason why I’ve written this…and shifted from my previous blog to this oneis that the time for looking back is over. What’s done is done, what I need to look at now is where I could be.

What does the future look like and how am I going to get there? I don’t know. But I do know I won’t be doing it alone.

The one thing I’ve never overlooked but never truly expressed is the place the people in my life hold in my heart

It doesn’t matter if you’re the people at work who have shown more confidence in me than I sometimes display myself OR the people who put up with my idiosyncrasies at lrp OR the people who’ve just read this and deducted me a  “Man Card” or suggest I grow a pair…I have one word for you

Thanks.