“There's that horrible-beautiful moment, that bitter-sweet
impasse where you know that somebody is bullshitting you but they're doing it
with such panache and conviction...no, it's because they say exactly what you
want to hear, at that point in time.”
― Irvine Welsh.
But what if the person lying to you is yourself and what if
what you’re “hearing” is not what you want to hear but what you’ve conditioned
yourself to expect?
I started this year with such great expectations, a
revelatory point where I was going to set my world to rights... here we are
five months on and where am I? Pretty much back where I started.
And this is the bind; I have a pre-conception of what I am
and am not capable of. If I do well it is a “fluke” if I do badly it’s only to
be expected.
When discussing my successes at the time I had someone whose
known me for some time state, “it’s not sustainable, I know what you’re like.”
They were right... but were they right because I am predestined to fail at self
betterment or because I am inclined to believe my own bad press?
I am struggling not to hate myself yet at the same time
struggling to find things about me that are particularly worth of loathing...
How do you fight that? How do you convince yourself that
your worth the effort? This isn’t a cry for help or a plea for assurance; it’s
simply a question that I am struggling to answer.
Why am I writing this now? This week is mental health
awareness week http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/our-work/mentalhealthawarenessweek
And whilst in the (probably not) immortal words of MCR “I’m
not okay (I promise)” I know there are a lot of people out there who are
suffering far worse than I am. I have a roof over my head, a job and friends
who I know I can rely on if I really need them.
Yet I cannot stress enough the help that I got from the NHS
when I needed it, rather than the pills or the patronisation that I was
expecting, I was given a chance to discuss and gain a greater understand the
issues that I am struggling with.
I know what I can do to improve my life; I have proof that
if I honestly put my block head into it I can achieve these things. Yes I am
stumbling at applying this to my life but no one promised it would be easy.
I need to stop setting myself ultimatums (oh the irony of
that last statement!), take each day as it comes and learn to acknowledge what
slow progress I make as what it is, progress.
