·
This is not (despite the tag line) a
self-flagellating personal attack
·
This is not a series of excuses
·
This is not an apology… but will in all
likelihood contain points where I apologise...sorry about that.
Exactly what this is
I’m not entirely sure, at I write this my thought process sees this as
somewhere bordering between a mission statement and a collective thank you.
It's no surprise to me
I am my own worst enemy,
'Cause every now and
then I kick the living shit out of me- Lit
Or to look at it from
another perspective
“Before you diagnose
yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not,
in fact, just surrounded by assholes.” ― William Gibson
For as long as I can remember I have been able to look back
at key moments in my life and see the bad in them, ranging from being bullied
at school (that sounds so much nicer than being hit or psychologically tortured my some of peers) to
my failed marriage.
The thing that I struggle to do is see the positives that
mark my life as well.
About a month ago I went out with work colleagues, people
with whom I didn’t feel like I fit in with... Now the last line is a hell of assumption...
Why did I not fit in with them? Are they all ridiculously different in mind,
appearance and attitude that there is no possible middle ground? No I saw
myself as an outcast as in my own mental theatre there’s no other possible role
for me to play... The night was good, fun was had and the only injuries were
self inflicted and to my wallet.
So is it just incidences like this ^ that cause me issues?
Nope... can’t even relax at lrp these days... On recent reflection there is
only one in the many systems that I intend and the multiple characters I play
that is not at least as messed as up as the real me... A hobby based on
escapism and I spend my weekends battling pretend personal demons where I can’t
face my own?
I very infrequently drink at these things anymore, for fear
of making a fool of myself, a marked improvement from my red wine days (if you
don’t know then I’m not explaining!) but something I am conscious of.
I’m supposed to be assisting in the writing of more than one
system and I am consistently conscious of the feeling that I am not pulling my
weight and letting those I consider good friends down
But it’s not the above that has led me to put pen to paper.
Many of you who know me also know that I have in recent months joined a gym…
the principle reason is to lose weight, the secondary benefit was to raise
money for charity.
The first few weeks went past reasonably uneventfully and
all was good. Then real life stood and punched me metaphorically in the face...
No K.O punch but enough little jabs that my routine took a pounding and for a
week I didn’t attend... I went back for a week and then I’ve managed to get a
case of man flu followed by a knee injury and all of a sudden I’ve missed a
whole month. So yet again the dreaded sense of personal disappointment has sunk
in and like many things this is proof that I’m once more a failure, this again
is more than enough for me to write myself off...well this time only almost.
Yes I’ve ballsed up, yes I’ve got that crushing sense of
letting myself and others down...Is this because I’m a loser (baby, so why
don’t you kill me)?
No... It’s because I’m fucking human.
In a recent review of my Cognitive Behavioural Therapy I
went back after three months and discussed my progress... I listed all the
above instances and all the things that had made me feel bad... and then much
to my counsellors delight said, “but I guess everyone feels like that.”
I have made the mistake of thinking that I am unique. Yes
I’ve gone through some serious stuff in my life (some of it I wouldn’t wish on
my worst enemies), but what I’m starting to come to terms with the fact that I
sell myself short when I look at how I’ve coped will all of this. I have known
people go off the deep end for less. Have I managed this in the best possible
way? God no, but could I have done worse? Hell yes… Now I know there are people
who’ve gone through worse, should I be measuring my recovery after trauma with
them…nah bugger it, time to think about me!
So…after all that self-pity is there a point to all of this?
Where I am now compared to where I was a couple of years ago...
(Hell compared to six months ago), that is something I have to be proud of. I
am not that man anymore that that’s something I need to rememind myself of.
So the plan… The reason why I’ve written this…and shifted
from my previous blog to this oneis that the time for looking back is over.
What’s done is done, what I need to look at now is where I could be.
What does the future look like and how am I going to get
there? I don’t know. But I do know I won’t be doing it alone.
The one thing I’ve never overlooked but never truly
expressed is the place the people in my life hold in my heart
It doesn’t matter if you’re the people at work who have shown
more confidence in me than I sometimes display myself OR the people who put up
with my idiosyncrasies at lrp OR the people who’ve just read this and deducted
me a “Man Card” or suggest I grow a pair…I
have one word for you
Thanks.
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